


Bettter Late Than Never

by Kidfromthedeli



Category: Damages
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-06-23 13:09:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15606993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kidfromthedeli/pseuds/Kidfromthedeli
Summary: No one knocks on your door at three in the morning with good news.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So it’s been a while. Patty has been sulking and not talking to me but seeing so much of the wondrous Glenn Close lately promoting ‘The Wife’ has woken the muse.

Ellen jerked awake her heart beating a mile a minute. She sucked in a ragged breath as she frantically tried to start up her brain. The sound that had obviously woke her came again. A constant rat-tat-tat knocking on her front door. It was both sharp and insistent. Someone was beating on her door at gone three in the morning. She swung her legs to the floor and hastily grabbed her robe from the back of the bedroom door. As she swung it open she was greeted by the form of her four year old daughter looking wide eyed and frightened on the small landing.

“Someone’s banging on the door Mom, it woke me up.”

“I know sweetie, go on back in bed. It’s late, I’ll see who’s there.”

“Can I see?”

Sophie’s natural curiosity came to the fore as she headed for the stairway only to be held back by an increasingly anxious Ellen. The knocking came again, urgent and forceful. Who ever it was seemed to determined to gain entry. 

“Sophie back in bed. I mean it, stay there till I come back ok?”

She ushered the child back into her room and shut the door. As she flicked the switch to illuminate the stairway the knocking ceased. The sudden silence was as unnerving as the noise. Ellen’s heart thudded in alarm as she made her way to the front door, her mind hurriedly running through the possibilities. A neighbour’s emergency? The police with awful news about Chris or one of her family? Surely they would announce themselves. It was still silent. She approached the door and pressed the external light switch that illuminated the small porch at the front of the house. Ellen could make out a large, shadowy figure, their frame pressed close to the door as if to peer through the frosted glass panel. 

“Ellen, is that you? Open up, it’s Kate, Kate Franklyn.”

“Oh my god....” further words failed Ellen as she yanked open the door to get her first look at the woman in almost five years. Kate simply strode through the entry and filled the small hallway with her Amazonian frame. 

“I’m sorry to turn up like this but you’ve changed your cell number...”

“Years ago. What’s......?”

“Mom, who’s there?” Came an urgent whisper.

Both pairs of eyes turned to regard the small form peering through the banister on the upstairs landing. Sophie now looked wide awake. Her short brown hair was tousled and sticking up at all angles. Her large brown eyes were alive with interest. 

“Good Lord when did she get so big?” 

“I’m four” Sophie supplied helpfully. “Who are you?”

Ellen sighed tiredly and waved Kate through to the small family room off the hallway.

“The kitchens through there, put some coffee on, I’ll go and settle her down.” 

Ellen trudged up the stairs and spent ten minutes answering assorted questions and settling her daughter back into bed. She told Sophie a mixture of evasions and half truths while passing off their late night visitor as an ‘old friend of mommy’s.’ During this time a sickly feeling of rising panic began gnawing away at Ellen’s guts. If Kate Franklyn was pounding on her door in the early hours of the morning it couldn’t be with good news and it would certainly concern the only person they had in common. She gave her daughter a kiss to the forehead and a final, gentle admonishment to stay put and go back to sleep before she headed, with some trepidation, for the stairs. 

Ellen found Kate stood leaning against the counter in her somewhat untidy kitchen. Lit by the harsh fluorescent strip light Ellen noticed Kate’s dishevelled state for the first time. Her hair hung limply, framing a face that was drawn and grey with fatigue, but her eyes were the biggest give away. The blue eyes which Ellen always remembered as warm and inviting were bloodshot, red rimmed and puffy with recently shed tears. Kate’s large hands trembled as she busied them preparing coffee in cheery mugs printed with daisies. Ellen took all this in in the few seconds it took her to cross the kitchen. She felt nauseous and disoriented due to the shock and early hour. So many thoughts and scenarios were crowding her brain it took a moment to get her mouth to work. 

“Tell me. Is she...has she....” But Ellen couldn’t get the words out. Her breath hitched, her face began to crumple. The dam holding back years of repressed feelings was threatening to burst wide open. 

“No, no. Ellen she’s not dead, listen to me. She’s still with us but its bad. Really bad. She suffered a massive heart attack yesterday morning. Thank god she was at work and they got her help straight away. The doctors said if she had been alone she wouldn’t have stood a chance. The EMT’s saved her life, they had to shock her back several times but she clung on till they got her to the hospital. She had emergency open heart surgery. A triple by-pass. Her arteries were completely shot. It’s a miracle she survived the procedure. They’ve sedated her to give her a fighting chance but its touch and go Ellen. I don’t think they expect her to make it.”

“Oh my god Kate, I’m so sorry. Jesus, what about Catherine?”

“Catherine is with my husband, she’s staying with us until...until.”

“She won’t die Kate, she won’t. We both know how strong she is..”

“I wish I shared that certainty. She was awake before they took her into surgery. She was barely conscious. They asked her if she wanted a priest. I looked into her eyes, she looked terrified but she shook her head. She stared right at me and said your name. She asked for you Ellen.”

“What?”

“She was clear. She spoke your name. She wanted you, to see you. I don’t know.”

Kate exhaled wearily and swept a hand through her hair. The coffee mugs stood untouched on the counter. 

Ellen blinked in disbelief as Kate just stood gazing at her with an expectant look on her face. She shook her head attempting to clear it. Kate rambled on looking increasingly desperate. 

“My sister has never asked me for anything. Never, until yesterday when she was laying on what could be her death bed. She asked for you and I’m not going to fail her. I’m asking you to go to the hospital...actually I’m not asking. You have to go, there may not be another chance...”

“What, now? I can’t just drop everything. Sophie’s upstairs..”

“Where’s her father?”

“Long gone, last I heard he was in Washington.”

“Your parents? Can your mother take her for a day or two?”

“A day or two? Are you nuts? Look maybe you’ve got it wrong. In any case when she comes to she’s going to need to be calm and quiet. No stress. You know our history, can you see that happening?”

“If. If she comes to. Are you willing to risk it? There might not be another chance.”

“Look, I know you’re upset but that sort of emotional blackmail isn’t fair....”

“None of this is fair Ellen. She’s only sixty six, she’s the sole parent to a nine year old. Whatever she’s done in the past and believe me I know she’s no saint, she doesn’t deserve this.”

There was a silent stand off as the past ran through Ellen’s head like a flickering movie. A dizzying sequence of images, faces and lifeless bodies with Patty at the centre of it all. Patty who’s rampant ambition and towering ego steam rolled over everything and everyone in its path. Patty laughingly handing her a glass of bourbon as she manipulated Ellen into taking a job. Patty smiling as she handed over the keys to a new apartment. Patty charming her clients and eviscerating her opponents. Patty offering her hand as they gazed out over the water and Patty silhouetted against angry grey clouds, broken by the loss of her son. Patty who lied and lied and lied. 

“I can’t Kate, I’m sorry but I can’t put myself back there. I’ve come too far, I have a different life with Sophie, a good life. I’m not that person anymore. Whatever she’s got to say, I don’t want to hear it. I can’t be around her again.”

Kate blew out her cheeks and made a visible effort to control herself and consider her response. Ellen was a strong woman, she always had been. She was quick to temper and slow to forgive. Almost everything she had endured throughout her adult life could be laid at Patty’s door and Kate knew the woman in front of her owed her sister nothing. 

“We’ve got closer over the past few years. After Michael, well, I think she realised she needed somebody. I don’t kid myself it has anything to do with family loyalty. I was just there, I was willing to help....She was drinking heavily, drowning in guilt. For a long time I wondered if she was giving up. She withdrew from Catherine, barely went into the office. She spent her days drinking in hotel bars and nights sitting in that godforsaken apartment just staring into space. I wouldn’t leave her alone. I grew worried about Catherine and eventually threatened her with Children’s Services.”

“Jesus I bet that went down well.”

“I was done dancing around her. We had an almighty argument, Catherine woke up in the middle of it. She came downstairs and begged to come home with me. She was five years old.....”

“Anyway.” Kate flapped a hand and took a sip of coffee. “It was a turning point. She got hold of herself, got some proper help, therapy and fought her way back. She barely drinks these days, she does yoga, she really looks after herself and now this.  
The past two years I’d say we’re close. We take Catherine out to the beach house. They come over for dinner, she’s got to know my family at last. It’s been good, I’ve finally got a sister. Best of all we talk, we really talk.”

Ellen’s face hardened.

“She’s played you the same way she plays everybody.”

Surprisingly Kate let out a rueful laugh. 

“At first yes, she probably did. She was a mess and she knew she had to cling onto someone. I’m glad it was me.”

The older woman shrugged and smiled sadly. 

“You know I was fourteen before I even knew I had a sister. All my life I’ve wanted what we have now. I based my career on trying to impress her only to face her scorn and derision when I chose family and motherhood over ambition. She virtually ignored me for years. She hated the fact I maintained a relationship with our father. It was only after he died I got to know the extent of his abuse. We’re all shaped by our upbringing, perhaps Patty more so than most of us.”

“You know I saw her a while back, about a year ago. We looked right at each other and walked away without a word. If she had something to say to me she should have done it then.” 

“Yes she told me. She drank herself into a stupor that night for the first time in a long time. You haunt her Ellen. You’re her living ghost. If she could go back...”

Ellen threw her hands up impatiently.

“There’s no going back. She hired a man to kill me. I don’t doubt she’s sorry now. That’s Patty all over, but sorry doesn’t really cover it.”

“No ones asking you to forgive and forget. I’m asking you to help me. To help me give my sister the one thing she wants.”

Kate blinked backed tears and visibly gathered herself before carrying on.

When our father was dying Patty repeatedly turned down the chance to see him. She said she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but just before the end she did go. She went to look him in the eye and tell him just how much she hated him. How she would never forgive him and how she hoped he was going to rot in hell.  
If you do the same thing, I won’t blame you. I doubt if she will either. If you don’t go and she dies...I believe you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

Ellen moved forward and wrapped her arms around the trembling figure. She hugged tightly. Kate was a good woman, she was a friend and provided a strong shoulder during the turmoil of the McClaren case before it descended into the unholy hell that seemed to trail in the wake of Patty Hewes. Ellen was still reeling from finding out she was pregnant when the truth of the events from years before was finally unravelled. Before she had the chance to confront Patty and blow her life apart her son was murdered by the same man she had hired to silence Ellen years before. Patty had paid the ultimate price for her actions, she lost her only child. There was nothing left. Nothing Ellen could do would cause more pain than Patty was already suffering. Ellen walked away from all of it. From her fledgling firm, from the law and from Patty.  
It took four years to virtually reinvent herself. Her relationship with Sophie’s father didn’t survive past her third birthday during which time Ellen used the last of her savings to retrain as a teacher and secure a small run down house in the suburbs of the city. They were settled, Sophie was thriving. She was renovating at her own pace and learning new skills in the process. Ellen finally felt she had put the nightmares of the past behind her. Was she willing to rake it all up again? Was she strong enough to face down her own personal demon. Her inner musing was interrupted by the strident tones of Kate’s cell phone. She fumbled it from her pocket, her movements panicked and uncoordinated. 

“Jesus, it’s the hospital.”

“Yes, it’s Kate. Yes I understand, I’ll be there within the hour.”

She ended the call and made no attempt to stop the tears that spilled down her cheeks. 

“They’ve told me to come...they say she’s fading, there may not be long left. This could be your last chance Ellen, come with me please.”

Ellen blew out her cheeks as the last of her resistance crumbled. 

“Alright. I’ll get dressed and drop Sophia with my neighbour. I’ll follow behind you. Presbyterian right? I’ll be as quick as I can.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter alludes to events in a previous story of mine ‘Penance’

It was just gone four in the morning. Ellen offered up a quick prayer for forgiveness for calling her neighbour at this hour. Once Sarah was fully roused into wakefulness she quickly agreed to stay in Ellen’s home so as not to disturb the youngster again. They had been neighbours for over two years and got on well. Sophie was friends with Sarah’s children and the two families often spent time in each other’s houses. 

“Thanks for this Sarah, I’ll call you when I can.”

Sarah waved her off tiredly. 

“It’s fine. I’ll take her over to mine later when John goes to work. I hope your friend makes it. Don’t worry about Sophie, you know she loves spending time with Freya.”

Ellen was in her car within the hour and in the hospital car park just before five thirty in the morning. She felt anxious and queasy as she made her way towards the emergency unit. Hospitals reminded her of David and the life they had before it was cruelly snatched away. She didn’t want to call Kate’s cell, she may be an area where use was restricted so she fired off a quick text and was relieved when Kate texted back giving her exact location in the sprawling hospital. She found the correct entrance and hurried along. The corridors were dimly lit at this hour and there were only a few weary staff trudging along in varying states of alertness. A couple of nurses were stood at a station using a monitor as Ellen approached. 

“I’m here with Kate Franklyn. The hospital called regarding her sister, Patty Hewes.”

“Kate said you were coming. She’s in with Miss Hewes now, if you’d like to take a seat.”

“Wait, how is she?”

“Critical, but her condition has stabilised.”

“Thank you.”

Ellen exhaled shakily and sank onto a nearby chair. There was a low table with a few dog eared magazines and a couple of empty vending cups from the coffee machine in the hallway. Ellen’s stomach lurched and a wave of nausea rolled through her. A mixture of anxiety, hunger and fatigue. The thought of coffee brought on another unwelcome wave so she took in her surroundings and tried to settle. The walls were an institutional scuffed cream with scattered pin boards bearing information posters. It was quiet, yet there was an eerie strained atmosphere of urgency despite the hour and lack of people. As far as Ellen could see, there was a row of rooms off the short corridor that had oblong observation windows. There was an alarm panel on the station as well as computer monitors. A doctor appeared from one of the rooms and approached the desk talking quietly with the two nurses that were still there. One moved away to leave the other monitoring the station, she shot Ellen a reassuring smile and turned her attention back to the screens. A moment later Kate appeared from the same room the doctor had just exited. If possible she looked even more haggard. Lines were more deeply etched into her face, her hands shook as she reached out towards Ellen.

“She’s rallied, she’s been sedated again. The doctor said she’s currently stable whatever that means. Come in, come and see her. Maybe she can hear you, it might ease her mind knowing you’re here.”

“It might upset her, make her agitated. I don’t want to do any harm.”

“She’s sleeping, the doctor said it’s the best thing, her body needs time to recover but she just seems to be slipping away. She needs something to fight for. Just sit with her for a while, let her hear your voice.”

“Aren’t you coming in?”

“I need a minute. I’ll go talk with the nurse, I won’t be long, she’s not expected to come round for a few hours. She’s hooked up to a lot of machines but it’s alright, she’s being constantly monitored. Go and see her Ellen, you’ve both waited a long time.”

Kate gave her a reassuring squeeze on the arm and walked away towards the nursing station. Ellen’s stomach did another roll and swoop before she took a deep breath and pushed open the door. Her eyes took in the scene as her brain tried to process the information. The Patty Hewes she had railed against for years was unrecognisable as the figure that lay on the bed. She was covered in a thin sheet wearing a standard hospital gown that was loose around her shoulders. The woman who strode the world as if she owned it was gone. All the power she exuded from that slight frame. The aura of invincibility. The cocky confidence that she had all the answers, could solve any problem. It was all stripped away. The woman who had haunted Ellen’s nightmares for years was reduced to fragile flesh and bone laying on a bed reliant on machines to keep her alive. To put air in her lungs and basic sustenance in her body. To keep her heart beating. Ellen’s legs trembled so badly she practically collapsed onto the chair that was drawn close to the bed. 

“Oh my god.”

Ellen put her head down and cried. She felt no rage or anger, no desire for vengeance or surge of hate. All she felt was shock and a desperate sadness at the scene in front of her. Slowly she gathered herself, falling apart wouldn’t help anyone. She leaned in and spoke quietly to the woman laying so helpless and still.

“Hey, you wanted to see me, well here I am. I want to know why, I need to know Patty, it’s not ending like this.”

Hesitantly Ellen reached out and gently grasped the hand laying on top of the bed. 

“I know you can hear me. It’s not ending like this.”

Ellen sat back as she heard the door open and Kate’s footsteps approaching rcthe bed.

“The nurses say she’s unlikely to wake up for hours, she’s stable now, her stats are back up. They’re planning on removing the breathing tube soon. She’s not out of the woods yet but it’s good news Ellen, good news.”

“I’m glad. Really, I am. Catherine needs her family, so do you.”

“What about you. What do you need?”

“I have everything I need. I have Sophie, I’ve got a stable job, a nice home...” 

Kate sat down next to her and exhaled heavily. 

“You know what I mean. I might be getting older but there’s nothing wrong with my memory. 

Ellen’s eyes flicked towards the bed. 

“That was a long time ago, things are different now. I’m different.”

“I told you Patty and I have talked a lot. I know it’s not the right time to bring this up but she told me the two of you had a brief relationship some time back.”

“No, it’s really not the time to bring that up. It was before I knew...”

“Come on Ellen you always knew. You knew long before your assailant crawled back out of the woodwork.”

“Suspicion is not the same as proof. I don’t want to talk about this, leave it alone. I did as you asked, I didn’t come out here in the middle of the night to go over ancient history.”

“So why did you come out here in the middle of the night?”

Ellen stood up abruptly and walked outside, she stalked the corridor breathing hard. After a few moments she felt Kate’s presence at her side.

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m not judging, I’m not interested in your history, I’m trying to get you to face the truth.”

“What truth? There is no truth where Patty’s concerned, there’s only what she wants you to believe.”

“Look we’re both tired. I’m going back to sit with her for a while. Go home, and thank you for coming out.”

“I didn’t do anything...”

“Oh, I think you did.”

“Call me if there’s any change?”

“Of course I will.”

“I’ve got to get back to Sophie, I’ve left her with a neighbour. I’m due in work in less than an hour, I need to call them. I have to go.”

“I understand, I’ll call you tonight.”

“Take care.”

“You too.”


	3. Chapter 3

Ellen drove home in a daze. Her thoughts and emotions in a tumult. A blaring car horn shook her out of her reverie. She had strayed out of her lane and was so shaken she pulled over to gather herself. She was exhausted, overwrought and needed to get a grip before she caused an accident. She called into work and asked for her classes to be reassigned before spotting a coffee shop and heading inside. She needed a drink, some food and a chance to get herself under control. Ellen sat quietly for half an hour until the shop began to fill up. She thought about Patty. The Patty that strung her along for years, keeping her close and feeding her lies while they worked in each other’s pockets. She remembered how many times she thought she had broken away just to get reeled back in to continue the torture. Then during the Tobin case their whole relationship was turned on it’s head.  
Their twisted games had developed over the years and taken an almost obsessive turn. Their interactions became more intense and Ellen had a dawning, disturbing realisation that mutual attraction was part of the fascination. After taunting Patty with it in the unlikely setting of a hotel bathroom, Ellen responded to a summons to the blonds apartment with more nerves than a teenager on her first date. Patty’s facade of calm was belied by her over bright smile, white knuckled grip on her glass of bourbon and ridiculous stab at small talk. Ellen knew she had to be the one to make the first move. Patty’s monumental ego would not allow her to risk the possibility of rejection. One slightly hesitant kiss later Patty was fully onboard and leading Ellen on a meandering path to the bedroom. Over the next few weekends Ellen discovered yet another facet of Patty’s personality, she was shy in bed. Not awkwardly so, but her whispered questions and hesitant touches spoke of a woman seeking reassurance. It came as a pleasant surprise to Ellen. Here, at least, she led and Patty followed her directions with a sweet and eager determination to please. They spent three months in relative harmony, working the Tobin case during the week and spending the weekends in a bizarre domestic bubble. Lazy mornings in bed, long walks with Patty’s ageing mutt Corey. Good natured bickering in the kitchen whilst Ellen cooked and Patty threw in salt and complained about the lack of carbs.  
Ellen smiled ruefully into her coffee cup, maybe if she had stuck around Patty’s arteries would have stood a better chance. A bitter argument over the Tobin case drove a wedge between them, then, after Tom was killed Patty withdrew and the door firmly closed on whatever it was they had. They drifted back into old familiar battles until the McClaren case put an end to it all. Ellen sighed heavily, got back in her car and drove home. 

Once reunited with Sophie there was little opportunity to brood. Her whirlwind of a daughter wanted to play, eat and chatter about her friends next door. Ellen continually checked her cell and told herself no news was good news. When Sophie was tucked up in bed Ellen’s calm deserted her. Her mind ran riot with memories, some good, mostly bad, some too terrible to dwell on. The person she was then, the things she did. What she was capable of. It felt like a life time ago. As she said to Kate, she was different now. Was Patty? It was true she had largely stepped away from her firm, it still bore her name but she hadn’t taken a headline case for a long time. She kept her profile high by supporting the charitable foundation she set up years ago and renamed in memory of her son. Ellen often saw her picture in the press and occasional appearances on talk shows. Patty had been winding down, distancing herself from her past and taking steps to ensure nothing could come back to haunt her. Why did she ask for her when she believed the end was imminent? If she thought Ellen still wanted to harm her she would have made contact way before now. Perhaps she wanted Ellen to see her as she saw her father. In a position where no amount of power or money could help her. Ellen was Jarred from her reverie by the chirp of her cell. She quickly snatched it up, it was Kate, she took in a steadying breath and answered. 

“Hey, how is she?”

“Stable now, they removed the breathing tube a couple of hours ago. If all goes well overnight they’re moving her off the ICU and into a private room tomorrow. The doctors are, and I quote, ‘cautiously optimistic.’ Do they teach them to talk like that in med school?”

“Actually they do. You sound a lot brighter, you must be exhausted.”

“I only got home an hour ago, Catherine’s so anxious but she’s holding it together. She wants to visit but I think I’ll leave it a day or two yet. I’ll see how it goes.”

“Did she wake up at all. Is she talking?”

“Not really, she woke up briefly once the tube came out, but she wasn’t really aware of what was going on. She’s medicated to the gills and still being constantly monitored. I’m hoping for more improvement tomorrow.”

“I’m glad she seems to have turned the corner. You get some rest now and take care of yourself as well.”

“Will you go back Ellen. How did it feel seeing her today?”

“It was...upsetting. I don’t know if I’ll go back, I’m sure she’ll tell you if she wants to see me.”

“Alright, aside from the circumstances, it was good to see you again. It’s getting late, I’m going to bed. Goodnight, and thank you. Thank you for your support today.”

“Night Kate.”

Ellen trudged wearily up to bed and crashed into an uneasy sleep punctuated with nightmares. She got up at four am and slid into bed with her daughter. She wrapped her up in a sleepy embrace and inhaled the scent of her. Finally she slept. 

Ellen dropped Sophie into the day care centre and went into work the following day. A class full of second graders required her complete attention or chaos reigned within seconds. They had a sixth sense for when you were off your game that would put any courtroom full of lawyers to shame. Ellen was longing for the final bell and the weekend. She picked up Sophie and they headed home. They enjoyed their weekends together, walks in the park, playgrounds, baking. Ordinary days providing memories and milestones that Ellen soaked up. Sophie was a social, outgoing child. She made friends wherever she went, striking up conversations and joining in games. Ellen watched from a park bench as her daughter raced a young boy to the top of the climbing frame. The children’s laughter rang out in the morning air as Sophie claimed victory. Ellen cheered and clapped from her vantage point trying not to worry about the descent and thanking god for the invention of rubber matting. Her cell chirped and Ellen eyed it warily. It was Kate.

“Sophie, be careful ok? Come down slowly. Hi, Kate? Sorry I’m at a playground with Sophie. Is everything alright?”

“Sorry to interrupt your day but I thought you would like to know. Patty’s officially off the critical list. She’s sitting up and talking a little but sleeping mostly. I’m taking Catherine to visit this afternoon.”

“I’m sure they’d both enjoy that, thanks for letting me know. I should get back...”

“Wait Ellen. She asked if you would come in, maybe tomorrow?”

“What does she want?”

“If you come, I’ll guess you’ll find out. Have a good day, say  
hi to Sophie from me.”

“Wait a minute..” 

Kate had hung up. She blew out her cheeks as Sophie, now finally back down to earth, headed for the merry go round with her new friend shouting for her mom to come and push. Ellen smiled and made her way over. She felt like she had already stepped back on to one. 

That afternoon Ellen called her mother and asked if she could bring Sophie over the next day to spend the afternoon as she had to visit someone in the hospital. Her mother readily agreed, so delighted to spend some time with her youngest granddaughter it never entered her head to ask any questions. The next day Sophie was quite happy to be dropped off with her grandma knowing an afternoon filled with sugary treats awaited her. Ellen drove back towards the hospital with a growing sense of trepidation. It was awful seeing Patty desperately sick and helpless in a hospital bed, but it was just as jarring on her nerves as the thought of facing the woman now she was conscious and healing. Kate had texted to say that Patty had been moved to the coronary unit the previous evening and Ellen moved swiftly along the corridors following the signs wondering what she was going to find when she reached her destination. She checked in at the desk and was directed to Patty’s room. Ellen noted all the fight or flight impulses roaring through her body the closer she got to the door. Her pulse rate had jumped, her breathing was heavier. She could feel sweat break out on her hairline as she berated herself for her reaction. Ellen glanced through the small window set into the door to check there were no medical staff present. She tapped gently and pushed the door open.

She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or upset to see Kate sat quietly in a chair in the far corner of the room. She smiled widely at Ellen and ushered her forward.

“It’s good to see you. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Hello Kate, you look better than the last time I saw you. How’s Patty doing?”

She’s sleeping a lot which is a good thing. She’s been out since I got here. I don’t like to disturb her.”

Both women turned to regard the figure lay still on the raised bed. Ellen noted Patty’s face looked puffy and swollen and she still had a greyish hue to her skin. Monitors surrounded the bed and lines protruded from Patty’s arms and neck. With the impeccable timing she possessed throughout her career Patty began to stir and show signs of waking. Her eyelids fluttered and she muttered softly. Kate moved smartly to the bed and gently moistened Patty’s lips.

“The breathing tube has left her throat sore and she’s a little raspy. The oxygen dries everything out.”

Kate explained as she tended to her sister. 

“Hey, you have another visitor if you’re feeling up to it.”

Patty’s eyes cleared a little as she focussed her unmistakable gaze on Ellen who slowly stepped closer to the bed. The two women stared at each other in a silence that was becoming awkward. Ellen had no idea what to say. It was Patty who moistened her lips and spoke first.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

Her voice sounded rusty and hoarse due to the soft tissue damage but the words were clear enough and her stare was penetrating. Ellen refused to be intimidated.

“Patty it’s been almost five years. Let’s not start with a lie, you knew I’d come.”

Kate’s head whipped around so fast she must have pulled something in her neck. She glared angrily at Ellen but the sound of Patty’s low chuckle defused the atmosphere. She turned her gaze on Kate who received the silent message.

“I’ll go and get coffee, Ellen would you like one?”

“No thanks, I’ll have a soda though if there’s a vending machine somewhere.”

“I’m sure I’ll find one. I’ll be back soon. Don’t exert yourself alright?”

Patty nodded her understanding and they both watched silently as Kate left the room. 

“She’s been very good to me.”

“She’s a good woman.” Ellen replied neutrally. “Very persuasive.” 

Patty grinned and Ellen was immediately transported back in time with that smile. The smile of a woman who knew how to get exactly what she wanted. She took in a breath and began to cough. Ellen was instantly alarmed. 

“Are you alright, should I call somebody?” 

Patty shook her head and gestured at the water on the bedside table. Ellen passed her the plastic cup with a straw and Patty drank a little as the coughing fit subsided. A nurse appeared as if she had been summoned, she blotted Patty’s lips, ran a quick check over the IV lines and helped settle her patient more comfortably on the pillows. Patty took the ministrations with more grace than Ellen would have given her credit for and even thanked the woman as she left the room. When she looked at Ellen again her eyes brimmed with tears.

“I thought it was the end, one second I was sat behind my desk with a mild headache the next it felt like an elephant had dropped out of the sky and landed on my chest. I knew what was happening and it was terrifying.”

“Don’t upset yourself, you’re in recovery now. Concentrate on getting well.”

“Don’t feed me platitudes, that’s not what you’re here for.”

“What am I here for? It’s been years, you could have contacted me any time you wanted.”

“I had to wait, I thought I had time...”

“Time for what?”

“The firm, I’ve been making preparations..cleaning house. I want you to lead it, to take it forward, to continue my work.”

Ellen gaped wordlessly and wondered if Patty was confused or affected by her medication. Yet her eyes were bright and although the words were softly delivered, the meaning was crystal clear. She felt a familiar surge of anger.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s no way I can go back to that life. You must have done your homework, I have a four year old, I’m teaching now and I’m good at it. I’m settled, I’ve built something good for my child. I’m proud of what I do and how far I’ve come.”

If Patty had the energy she would have rolled her eyes and given Ellen a dozen reasons off the top of her head why teaching grade school was no place for a woman of her abilities. Instead she sighed heavily and beckoned Ellen closer.

“Why did you think I asked for you?”

Ellen shook her head and dislodged tears of her own. 

“I’m sorry, really sorry this has happened to you. I hope you get better and can go home to Catherine soon. Goodbye Patty.”

Ellen turned and began walking for the door when Patty’s voice, sounding stronger than before stopped her. 

“Ellen wait, I’m in no condition to chase after you anymore.” 

Ellen’s shoulders slumped in defeat, she turned slowly but stayed where she was.

“I’m tired, too tired to argue with you now. All I’m asking is a promise you will come and talk to me when I’m stronger. Give me a couple of months...”

“The answer will be the same.”

“Think about it. Call me, or Kate when you’re ready to talk.”

“And if I don’t want to talk?”

“Then you wouldn’t be here now.”

“I have to go. Do as the doctors tell you. Listen to Kate, as you say, she’s a good woman.”

Patty’s eyes were closing as Ellen slipped out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Ellen swiftly looked around for Kate, as much as she wanted to put some distance between Patty and herself she didn’t want to leave without seeing her. She headed for a small café area she had spotted on the way in and found Kate sipping a coffee in a quiet corner. Ellen sat down and they eyed each other warily. 

“You knew didn’t you, you knew what she wanted?”

Kate stared into her coffee cup and took her time answering. 

“It wasn’t my place to tell you...”

“You manipulated me into seeing her. Bringing up our history like that.”

“No. No, that night I didn’t believe she was going to pull through. I told you the truth.”

“But not all of it.”

“Not all of it, no. She’s been talking about this for a couple of years. Laying the groundwork, distancing herself from controversy..”

“Burying the bodies?”

“Ellen!”

“What? That’s what it amounts to and you know it.”

“It’s her life’s work and she wants you to have it. I think she sees it as some way of making amends..”

“Oh come on...As in, I’m sorry I tried to kill you. Here’s a law firm to make it all better.”

“Stop it. You’re not angry with me, you’re angry at Patty but now is not the time for it. Go home and think about it...”

“I’ve already told her no.”

“Not about the firm Ellen.” Kate exhaled impatiently. “About why you’re so angry. Think about what you wanted to hear.”

That took the wind out of Ellen’s sails, it was more or less exactly what Patty had said five minutes ago. Her surge of temper drained away.

“She was falling asleep when I left her, you should go back in, check she’s alright.”

“You know she has a long road ahead, even if she’s well enough to be discharged in the next couple of weeks. There’s a big risk of chest infections, pneumonia. If she stays infection free she will have to convalesce for some time. Perhaps some sort of care facility, it’s too early to say. My point is, she’s a sick woman. What she did to you back then was abhorrent and indefensible but she’s paid Ellen. She’s paid every day ever since and no, that doesn’t make it right. Nothing will make it right.”

“I know, I know all that, but I paid too. I loved her, despite everything, despite what I suspected. I loved her and she knew it. She said being with me hurt so badly I was her penance. How fucked up is that?”

Kate shook her head sadly because that was the tragedy of this whole mess. Patty had never known love. Her mother died when she was a mere child. Their father had done his best to beat it out of her. Patty’s marriage was a successful merger of two like minded individuals who filled a need in each other rather than a shared love. When she finally found it, the damage had already been done so she drove it away. Kate didn’t doubt for a moment, that love was large part of what her sister felt for the woman in front of her. 

“So what now?”

“Now I’m going home to pick up my daughter. After that, I don’t know.”

“Alright, I understand. Can I call you or...” 

“Kate I have to go. Take care of yourself, and of her.”

“I will. Bye Ellen.”

They both stood and shares a brief, clumsy embrace before Ellen walked away.

In the days that followed Ellen felt increasingly unsettled. The genie was out of the bottle now and there was no putting it back. She thought about Patty constantly and Kate and the meaning of what they both said to her. What did you come for? What did you want to hear? She asked herself the same questions many times and she always came back to the same answer. There was no getting over, moving on or coming to terms with her feelings for Patty. They would always be there. It was the thought of what to do with them that was keeping her awake at night.  
She called Kate twice in the next couple of weeks. She sounded increasingly optimistic about her sisters condition. Improvement was slow but steady and she was due to be discharged from the hospital within days. Ellen was shocked to hear that Patty had voluntarily signed herself into to a rehab facility for a month. Kate explained her sister wanted to give herself and Catherine the best chance of recovery and was following the advice of her physicians. She would have physical therapy as well as a wide variety of advice about nutrition, exercise and mental well being. That news brought home how serious it was, how close they had come to losing her forever. 

“I’m glad Kate, for all of you. How’s Catherine coping?”

“She understands Grandma is sick but she just wants to go home and get back to normal. It’s hard on everyone but I’m sure Patty’s doing the right thing.”

“So am I. Keep in touch and let me know how she’s doing.”

“You haven’t been back to the hospital.”

“She told me what she wanted and I told her no. There’s nothing else to say.”

There was a pause and long exhale.

“Are you sure about that?”

“I’ve thought about her a lot, about everything we put each other through. For me, it’s not about the firm. I meant what I said I’m not interested.”

“But you are interested in her....Is that what I’m hearing?”

“I’ve no idea what I want anymore. I’ve no idea what she wants besides seeing me sat behind her desk. One way or another I’ve got to put an end to this.”

A new year had dawned before Ellen made arrangements to see her former employer. Patty had finally arrived home in November after completing her stint in rehab. Kate kept Ellen regularly updated and Patty surprised Ellen by ringing herself to wish her a happy Christmas and invite her over in the new year. It was a strange and stilted conversation punctuated by awkward pauses, cautious enquiries over each other’s health and holiday plans. 

Two weeks later Ellen stood in the elevator which led into Patty’s apartment trying to maintain a facade of calm. She had dressed carefully in a berry coloured jersey dress teamed with a warm silver grey wrap, having no wish to look like the sharp suited lawyer of old. She clutched a bunch of orange Cala lilies as a gift in lieu of the alcohol she used to appear with and fervently wished for a glass of something to settle her nerves. Then, the door opened and there was Patty looking astonishingly just like the Patty of old. Her hair was in a shorter style again and immaculate, as was her make up. She wore a loose dark grey knitted top over black trousers. Her smile was was wide and welcoming. Ellen was momentarily stunned, it was like turning the clock back, as if the past few years, never mind the past four months had been erased. Her mind tumbled back years, to the weeks when they had conducted their brief relationship. Ellen would arrive late on a Friday clutching, wine or take out, usually both. Patty would invariably be doing something. Pottering in the kitchen or working hunched over her laptop at the dining table. She would largely ignore Ellen until the younger woman would walk up and wrap her arms around Patty and hold her gently feeling the tension and stress melt away. Feel the relief and anxiety seep out of her. Sometimes she would even hug back. She snapped back to the present.

“My god, you look amazing.”

Patty’s smile turned mischievous.

“Well compared to the last time you saw me, I’m not sure that’s much of a compliment.”

The light jocular tone calmed Ellen as she followed Patty into the huge open plan space. The blond took the flowers and gestured for Ellen to take a seat. She looked around as Patty put the flowers in a vase. Not much had changed. The place had always felt strangely unlived in and impersonal to Ellen. It was impressive but too bare, too sterile. It also held too many memories. Patty immediately picked up on her discomfort. 

“It’s been a long time Ellen, too long.”

Ellen cleared her throat which had thickened with emotion.

“How are you?”

Patty flapped a hand dismissively.

“My health is off limits tonight. I feel like it’s all I’ve spoken of in forever. I’m recovering, I’m a little slower, I tire more easily. Let’s leave it there. Can I get you a drink?”

Ellen hesitated and Patty exhaled in a huff.

“You can have a drink, it’s fine. Wine or are you still a bourbon drinker.”

“I’ll have a glass of red, I’m not much of a drinker at all these days.”

“I’m sure you need all your faculties for a room full of six year olds.”

“Eight year olds, and yes you do.” 

“Don’t be so defensive.”

“Don’t be such a bitch. I’ve been here five minutes and your already denigrating my career choices.”

“Well..” Patty’s eyebrows rose in shock that she covered with a rueful chuckle. 

“I’m sorry. I’m nervous, all on edge. Being here has made me more anxious than I expected.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll get you that drink.”

“You know what..I think I’ll just go.”

Ellen rose to her feet and fumbled for her purse.

“Sit down. Please. Let’s talk, that’s all I want. Just to talk. If you didn’t want the same you wouldn’t have come.”

Ellen sat back down and gave Patty a level stare.

“Alright. Make it a large glass.”


	5. Chapter 5

Patty returned with the wine and a cup of herbal tea. Ellen noticed that her movements were studied and careful as she settled onto the couch with her legs tucked to the side. It was a familiar pose, one that sent Ellen’s mind spinning back to quiet Saturday nights spent with relaxing music or Bette Davis for company. They had made love on this couch. Ellen sat astride Patty as her fingers moved inside her, her other hand tight against her lower back, her nails scoring the skin.  
Ellen fidgeted in her seat and looked up, right into Patty’s knowing gaze. Ellen cleared her throat.

“Where’s Catherine?”

“Spending the weekend with Kate. What have you done with Sophie?”

“A sleepover with my neighbour, they have a daughter the same age.” 

They spent a few minutes chatting about the children. Patty was a little subdued talking about Catherine explaining it had been a difficult time and the nine year old was still upset and anxious over her grandmothers health. Ellen made sympathetic noises and spoke a little about Sophie and the difference she had made to her life. They were both tense and waiting for a shift in the conversation, Patty took a sharp breath and set her cup down on the low table.

“It meant a lot to me that you came to the hospital. I left things too long, I’ve never stopped thinking about you Ellen.”

As opening arguments go, it was a classic tactic. Surprise your opponent by starting soft, go with a little flattery, focus on the positives. Ellen wasn’t going to fall for something so blatant. 

“You have never attempted to make contact, you looked right through me at the drugstore a year ago but I’m the first name on your lips when you thought you were dying. Just tell me why.”

“I’ve already told you. I’ve been making plans for years now to clear the way and hand it all over to you.”

“And it never crossed your mind that I wouldn’t want it?”

“Of course it did, but it’s a clean slate now. You can take the firm in any direction you want to. Hire your own team, pick your own cases, all without me looking over your shoulder. I’m officially retired, I want to spend the time I have left with Catherine and the family I’ve ignored for years.”

Ellen sighed, she didn’t doubt the sincerity of the offer or the words but it was so typically Patty. Making plans, spinning her web and expecting everyone else to fall right in. 

“You know, I didn’t think you meant it. You were so sick, overwrought, you must have been terrified. I thought it was a desperate ruse to reel me back in.”

Patty sat completely still, her eyebrows rose slightly but a tell tale flush was creeping up her neck. A well remembered and sure indication of an imminent outburst. Ellen wasn’t disappointed.

Patty’s voice was barely above a whisper but her words dripped with icy disdain.

“A desperate ruse? My, you haven’t changed a bit. Your arrogance is truly breathtaking. You consider it desperate for me to want my life to mean something. Desperate that I want the firm I built from nothing and managed for twenty years to carry on? You think It’s all a ruse to gain a few more minutes of your company.

“Patty calm down. I didn’t mean....”

It was too late, Patty rose to her feet and began to pace in agitation. 

“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. I offer you everything I’ve broke my back to build and you think, as usual, it’s all about you.”

“Well isn’t it? You might be able to convince yourself that was the plan but arrogance or not, I don’t believe it. I believe you mean what you say but I think you’re riddled with guilt and regrets. Doing this won’t make them go away.”

“Now you’re adding psychologist to you’re never ending list of talents? You have no idea what I’m feeling. You don’t just drop in and out of my life and know me.”

Patty sat back down, her hand trembled as she reached for her cup and for one startling moment Ellen wondered if it was about to be hurled her way. Patty took a deep breath, and another and sat back into the cushions, anger washing off her in waves.

“I’m sorry, sorry I’ve made you so angry. I never intended to belittle all you achieved. For whatever reason you made the offer, it’s not going to happen. I’ll never return to the law. That part of my life is over.” 

Ellen stood and moved across the room to sit on the cushion next to Patty. Everything about her screamed ‘don’t touch me’ but Ellen extended her hand to cover Patty’s own.

“I mean it. That part of my life is over. All of it. I let go of it once Sophie was born. I couldn’t raise my daughter hanging on to all that anger and guilt. We both deserve better than that. So do you. Let it go Patty, let it go and get on with your life.”

There was a tense silence, Patty didn’t look angry anymore but wearily resigned. She recognised that Ellen did mean it. She wasn’t merely playing hard to get or drawing out her misery. There would be no neat and tidy resolution to the events that continued to haunt the older woman. She was a fool to think there ever would be. Patty turned her hand over and intertwined their fingers. 

“When you came to the beach house that day, after Michael.. and I said I was sorry I ever met you.”

“I remember every word you said to me that day.”

“When you left, I didn’t stop drinking for months. I told myself it was to numb the pain of losing him, to blot out the responsibility of raising his child. But I think, part of the reason was because I knew you were gone, you were really gone. ‘They either leave you or they die’. My own son told me that.”

“This was a bad idea, I should have stayed away.”

“No, I’m glad you came. It’s finished, I know that now.”

Patty raised their joined hands and placed a gentle kiss on the back of Ellen’s.


	6. Chapter 6

They sat in contemplative silence for some time. Ellen had no idea what Patty was thinking but her own mind was in turmoil. It was both easier and harder than she expected being this close again. Sat on the same couch, breathing the same air, silently sharing the same memories. The skin on her hand tingled where Patty had kissed it. She wondered if that was another manipulation. During their brief relationship, that used to be their ‘thing’. It was obvious the older woman struggled to show her emotions or affection in traditional ways. She was not particularly tactile, they barely kissed outside of the bedroom. But Ellen had always loved that somewhat strange, courtly gesture of a gentle press of lips to her hand whenever she was leaving. It made her feel special, precious almost. It made her feel like she mattered, like she was loved. Suddenly she had to know, she needed to hear it. Ellen gathered her courage but her next words came out as a whisper.

“Was the firm the only reason you asked for me in the hospital?”

The blond sighed deeply and turned her head to capture Ellen with her eyes. She was tired now, exhausted after a long day and the bitter disappointment of not being able to realise her dream. Too tired to examine feelings she had repressed for years. Too tired to lie anymore.

“You know, I looked for you all these years. Every meeting I went to, every courtroom, every law office. Every time I walked the streets I looked for you.”

Patty held up a hand to silence Ellen’s questions and carried on in the same far off tone.

“Then one day, there you were, right in front of me. Wearing your old coat and cheap shoes, clutching the hand of your little girl. You looked just like everybody else. And I just froze up and walked away. I drank so much that night I landed myself in the hospital.”

Ellen looked completely befuddled and deeply upset.

“I don’t understand. Why didn’t you just call me? It would have been easy enough for you to find me.”

“I was too proud. I couldn’t bear the thought of you turning your back on me completely. If I left you alone there was still a chance you would come to me. Then, when I saw you that day, the look on your face told me that would never happen.” Patty huffed and continued. “Not voluntarily anyway.”

“Just answer me please. I can’t think about anything else, especially being here. Was it all about the firm?”

“No, in a way I wish it was. It would be easier. I didn’t want to leave this world without seeing you again.”

“Spit it out Patty.”

Ellen hardened her voice and her eyes in a throwback to her courtroom days. 

Patty scowled, frowned and looked as close to panic as Ellen had ever seen her.

“I have no right I know, but I care, I care about you.”

Patty’s voice dropped with each word. Her body tensed, her eyes skittered away and focussed on a spot on the opposite wall. Ellen sat back and stared at the ceiling. She felt goosebumps rise on her skin and tears beginning to well in her eyes. 

“What did you plan to happen if I said no to your offer?”

“I didn’t account for that possibility.”

“Bullshit, I know you. You account for all the possibilities.”

Patty’s smile was slow to bloom but it was worth the wait. Her eyes gleamed with the spark of pride she always felt when Ellen had the gall to challenge her.

“Alright, I never truly counted on you accepting, but I hoped. I really hoped. I respect your decision, there’s not a god damn thing I can do about it anyway.   
Thank you for coming to the hospital, it meant a lot to me.”

“Is that it Patty. Thank you and goodbye?”

“I’ve offered you everything I have. You don’t want it.”

Ellen recognised that was her cue to leave before another argument broke out. She straightened up in her seat and got to her feet. She felt tiredness sweep over her and a deep need to be with her child. To be far away from this woman with her haunted eyes and the vault of secrets she kept behind them. This woman who was so capable of greatness yet so tempted by the demons that lurked in her soul. This woman who she loved and who she believed loved her. It hurt, it physically hurt. The ache in her chest was one of both longing and regret.


	7. Chapter 7

Patty didn’t move. She sat completely still, tracking Ellen with her eyes. The air was heavy with the weight of so many words left unspoken and feelings they were unwilling, or unable to express. Ellen picked up her forgotten wine glass and drained the contents in two long swallows. She set the glass down decisively.

“Are you just going to let me go?”

“It would be far crueller to ask you to stay. I’m not the same woman I was...”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. For us, I mean.”

Ellen watched carefully as Patty’s throat worked and the cogs turned in her brain to form a reply. Nothing was coming so Ellen cleared her throat and tried again.

“For gods sake just tell me what you want.”

“I’ll tell you what I don’t want. I don’t want you throwing your life away as a teacher by day and a nursemaid by night. My chances of another heart attack have increased by forty per cent. I take enough medication to sink a battle ship and some days I can’t do anything more strenuous than lift my tea cup. Is that really what you want Ellen? For a brief time, we had...what we had and we should leave it in the past.  
I wanted to see you, I wanted to find some peace out of the wreckage I made of my life. I think we’ve gone some way to achieving that. Now I just want to stay alive long enough to see Catherine into adulthood.”

“You wanted to see me. You wanted to find some peace. You want to live out your days with Catherine. What about I want?”

“Haven’t you told me several times in the last few months that you have everything you want now? A job you love, a nice little house in the suburbs. A daughter you adore. You told me you have made a good life for yourself. Go and enjoy it.”

Ellen was sorely tempted to point out that she was enjoying it, thank you very much, until Patty and her defective arteries turned up and put a spoke in the wheel. She held her tongue and decided not to push any further. Patty suddenly looked completely exhausted, it had been a fraught visit. A highly emotive conversation of the sort the older woman usually avoided. It was enough for one night. Ellen prepared to leave, she picked up her purse and gathered her coat. 

“Drive safely, take care of yourself.”

Patty rose to her feet, hugged her swiftly and stepped away towards the door. That brief physical contact was like a jolt of electricity, an intense but fleeting reminder of what they once shared. Ellen immediately knew that Patty felt it too. Her eyes were averted as she fiddled with the door and held it open. Her smile was tense, brittle and too bright.   
Ellen hovered uncertainly in the doorway.

“You take care too. Remember, you were the one who asked for me. I’m going to keep coming back until you tell me to stay away. So....I’ll see you soon alright?”

Ellen held her breath during the silence that followed her into the elevator. When the door slid shut she exhaled in a rush and allowed herself a smile. By the time Ellen arrived home to her quiet empty house, doubts were already setting in. If there was ever a time to draw a line under her association with Patty this was it. They had talked it out, shared the same space without the old familiar veil of secrets and lies. It was the perfect opportunity to say goodbye, and yet, she had propped the door open once more because Patty Hewes still held all the cards. She held more fascination, more attraction for her than anyone else ever had.

Patty sat in her similarly quiet but cavernous apartment and sipped at a small glass of red wine. Alcohol was now a strictly rationed commodity but the urge to drink was too strong to deprive herself tonight. Coming face to face with Ellen without the relative safety of a hospital environment had disturbed her more than she cared to admit. She was shocked at the force of her reaction to Ellen’s proximity. It was still there, that connection, that magnetic pull. A feeling she could not put a name to but acknowledged all the same. She felt different when Ellen was around. She felt everything more strongly. The guilt and the shame that continued to haunt her were tempered by a sense of serenity. Having Ellen close gave her a strange sense of peace, a sense of rightness. Patty chuckled bitterly into her wineglass. There was nothing ‘right’ about her relationship with Ellen. She allowed her mind to drift back to the unlikely interlude they shared years ago. When for once, Patty capitulated to her baser instincts wrongly believing that sex would put an end to whatever it was between them. It didn’t. It didn’t because Ellen was so surprisingly determined to see where it led and Patty was enjoying herself too much to put an end to it. The lawyer had never been comfortable with intimacy of any description. The wounds inflicted by her father had never healed. Patty equated sex with shame and no amount of success, soul searching or ultimately therapy over the years had made a difference. Until Ellen. Ellen who was as nervous and hesitant as she was. They learned together at a leisurely pace, asking questions, seeking reassurance and sharing laughter as they went along. For the first time in her life Patty felt no pressure or any need to perform and discovered she could relax and respond to Ellen in a way that was always missing with previous partners. After just a scant few weeks the Friday night sleepovers were lasting until Sunday afternoons. Various articles of clothing and personal effects began finding homes in Patty’s closets and the bathroom cabinets. One quiet Tuesday morning Patty wiled away an hour at her desk scouring the Internet for suitable Sunday brunch venues in the city. It was as her finger hovered over the reserve a table button that she snapped herself back to reality. They weren’t a couple, they were not having a relationship. They were unlikely bed fellows, business colleagues, sometime rivals, occasional allies. She snapped her laptop shut and reached for her files. 

It wasn’t long after that the inevitable happened. An argument flared and escalated rapidly. Patty seized the opportunity to withdraw. She realised she was getting in too deep. Spending too much time looking forward to the weekend and Ellen pitching up with a weary smile, an overnight bag and a wicked glint in her eye. She was getting too comfortable, too reliant on something that so clearly had no future. Once Tom was killed there was no turning back. Another link in the chain had been severed. Another potential witness was gone. Ellen retreated to the sidelines once more. Close enough to monitor but far enough away to be desperately missed. Patty filled her empty weekends with work, alcohol and further futile attempts to build bridges with her son. She ignored the ache in her chest and drowned her misery in vats of bourbon. Her crutch was fast becoming her dependency but Patty ignored that fact as well. The Hi-Star case brought Ellen sidling closer with the new found confidence and independence heading her own firm brought. At first Patty enjoyed the renewed closeness. She provided support, resources and guidance as Ellen hurtled headlong into battle with a Goliath many had tried and failed to take down. Patty was spreading herself too thin and fighting on too many fronts. She had her own caseload to manage as well as settling her granddaughter into her new surroundings. Michael had disappeared without trace and she missed Toms steady presence and staff management abilities. Everything was crowding in and Patty watched with growing alarm as Ellen grew closer to Chris Sanchez. The more the young woman’s resolve wavered, the angrier Patty became. There was more at stake here than just the case. If Ellen capitulated now, leading her first case as an independent, it would send out a message that she folded under pressure. It would fatally damage her career and her reputation. Ellen was not prepared to play Russian roulette with the life of a man she had grown up with. When she looked in the mirror she saw the shadow of Patty over her shoulder and made her decision. She was her own woman, at thirty three, she was still young. There would be other cases. Ellen made a deal with Howard Eriksen that ensured Chris’s safety and Patty swooped in to pick up the pieces and the headlines. Ellen saw it as another betrayal, another lie she fell for, yet another twist of the knife. 

There was no respite for either of them. Michael returned and persuaded a still fuming Ellen to side with him in a bitter custody battle for his daughter. Patty had never felt rage like it. She allowed her temper to get the better of her and sent Channing McClaren to Ellen’s door. If Ellen wanted a fight she would have one. A showdown in court, that was what Ellen really wanted. They each dug in and prepared for battle. Kate Franklyn appeared with word of their dying father, Catherine was struck down with a mystery illness. Patty fatally underestimated Ellen’s ability to fight dirty. Everything spiralled completely of control. In the space of a few weeks Patty lost her father, her son and Ellen. When she faced Ellen on the dock at the beach house that day, life had irrevocably changed for both parties. The younger woman had all her answers, she was pregnant and recognised it was time to end this torture once and for all. Patty stared at her retreating figure until Ellen got into her car and drove away. Only then did she allow the tears to fall. 

Patty fell into an alcohol fuelled pit of depression it took almost two years to haul herself out of. Thankfully Kate stayed around. She stayed for Catherine and the chance to finally build a relationship with her only sibling. Kate sat by her side at Michael’s funeral. She hauled her out of bars at ungodly hours of the morning. She withstood the arguments, the drunken rambling tales of the abuses heaped upon her by their father. She often looked after Catherine, made sure there was food in the fridge and always picked up when her sister called. Kate finally snapped when Patty was hauled over for a DUI with Catherine in the car. Only the blonds connections saved her from prosecution. The ferocious argument was at last a turning point. The lawyer entered rehab and began long overdue, and often tortuous therapy. Kate endured it all alongside her. She held on tight as Patty shook, shivered and vomited her way through detox. She endured long days and disturbed nights as Patty and an anxious Catherine took up temporary residence in her family home. Kate’s sons were away at school, her husband made himself scarce as Patty alternately raged, cried or sat in stony, resentful silence. It was a long, hard road back to some form of normalcy. At the end of it the half sisters had forged a strong bond. Patty gradually opened up and grew to trust this woman who had previously been a stranger. Kate had been a tower of strength and huge pillar of support. Over time Patty got to know her nephews who she jokingly referred to as hulk and hulk junior. She attended their college graduations and saw them begin careers one in Finance and the other had recently qualified from veterinary school. They were good boys, as kind and strong as their mother. 

Patty set her glass down, it was half full, time to stop. Time to stop before her thoughts turned to dwell on Michael and all the pain that brought. Futile pain because Michael was gone and nothing would bring him back. She tapped her fingers against her chest, she often caught herself sitting like that, with her hand pressed over her heart as if to check it was still beating. It was late, she was tired and should go to bed but sleep was more difficult than ever now. She often closed her eyes wondering if they would open again. The doctors assured her it was normal. It was terrifying, everything was, ever since she felt that iron like band clamp across her chest. Over the years she had wondered if at the point of death the many stories people told were true. Tunnels, bright light, the open arms of loved ones. Patty did not experience any of it, she did not see her life flash before her eyes. There was no vision of her mother or, god forbid, her father. Not even Michael or Catherine pervaded her pain wracked mind. The only face Patty saw, the only name that was on her lips, was Ellen’s.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time got away from me with updates but as the title says.....

Patty finally crawled into bed around midnight. She had promised Kate she would call and let her know how the conversation with Ellen went but she wasn’t ready to talk yet. She was self aware enough to know how emotionally stunted she was. How difficult she found it to articulate feelings she had no name for. Ellen had indicated she was willing to stay around, Patty had no idea in what capacity. She felt old and feeble and doubted her ability to turn her health around. This may be as good as it got for her now. Shuffling around, continually worried about her heart, dependent on medication, unable to work anymore. The doctors said she could last for years, but Patty could not shake the feeling that at any time, another heart attack could take her out in seconds. She picked up her novel and fumbled for her glasses on the nightstand. It was going to be another long night. 

Kate brought Catherine back home early the following morning. She took one look at her sister’s weary countenance and drawn features and set the kettle on to boil. Patty said little but plainly needed some company and a helping hand today. Catherine retreated to the safety of her room. She spent more and more time shuttered away with her toys and books. She was painfully shy, struggling at school and only seemed to perk up with Kate. More than once Patty considered talking to Kate and taking steps to transfer care of the youngster to her sister. It would be life changing for all of them. Some days Patty thought it would be better for all concerned. Some days she could not bare to contemplate it. It had been four months since the heart attack, just over two since leaving the rehabilitation facility. She would give herself another quarter, another three months and hope she returned to some sort of normality before making a decision. Kate stayed around most of the day, she fixed them a light meal and managed to cajole some conversation from Catherine. Patty was glad of the company, she could sense Kate wanted to talk about Ellen, about her health, about all the things that were weighing heavily on Patty’s shoulders but by now she knew when to push and when to retreat. Once the little girl was in bed, Kate sat down next to her sister with a weary sigh.

“Do you feel like talking?”

“Not really, I did enough of that last night. Thank you for today, I appreciate it Kate. I really do.”

“I know you do. It will get better Patty.”

“Will it? I feel so useless.. Catherine is suffering, she practically lives in her room these days.”

“The school counsellors say she’s coping well enough. She’s always been on the shy side. She’s finding her way.”

“I’m just so tired all the time. She needs more attention, she needs...”

“She needs you. She loves you. Give it some more time.”

“That’s part of the problem. I may not have more time...”

Kate was immediately alarmed.

“Are you feeling alright?”

Patty flapped a hand in her direction. 

“Fine, I’m fine. Well, no worse than usual. I’m just having one of those days.”

“How did it go with Ellen?”

Patty sighed heavily. She felt she had used up her entire life time quota of soul bearing conversation over the past couple of days. 

“Well, we had our moments, but on the whole, it was better than I expected. She would not budge about the firm though. I should have known, Ellen changing her mind comes around about as often as the millennium.”

They shared a moment of laughter before Kate took a deep breath and dived in. 

“We could talk about Ellen all night but the bottom line is, Patty... that woman loves you.”

There was a loaded, lengthy silence. Patty reached for her tea, gave up and slumped back onto the couch. She swiped away a stray tear and did not even have the energy to protest when Kate enveloped her in a strong embrace. 

“It’s not too late...”

Patty inwardly cursed her heightened emotional state, her defective arteries and her sister who had little concept of personal boundaries. She answered her anyway. 

“Give it up Kate. It was too late from the day we met.”

Kate waited some time until her sister gathered herself before she stood up in preparation to leave. Patty got to her feet to see her out.

“Why are you so goddamn tall?”

It was a familiar complaint which put them on a more comfortable footing.

“Because plainly, you were selfish and greedy from the moment of conception and grabbed at all the short genes.”

“And the IQ” patty muttered back sardonically. 

Kate sighed in mock resignation.

“I had to make do with tall, dark and nice. I’ve done the best I can.”

“Go home you fool, you wear me out.”

Kate stepped into the elevator and stared directly into her sisters eyes, amusement forgotten.

“Call her Patty.”

“Goodnight Kate.”

The elevator door slid shut.

Ellen called three times in the following two weeks, Patty did not pick up. Another three months dragged by with a slow and slight improvement in Patty’s health. She still tired easily, but she was sticking to her diet and light exercise regimen. She attended all her medical appointments and followed her physicians advice. It was tortuous but steady progress. Ellen called several time more. Mystified by the lack of response she spoke to Kate who was vague and offered nothing in the way of explanation.  
It was gone ten on a Friday evening when Patty’s intercom buzzed and the doorman announced Ellen was in the foyer. Patty sighed wearily and told him to send her up.

Ellen started talking as soon as Patty opened the door.

“Why are you ignoring my calls?”

“Ellen, it’s late. Catherine is sleeping upstairs and she better stay that way. Do not raise your voice in here.”

Ellen exhaled shakily but stepped further into the apartment before Patty could shut the door in her face. She sat down on the couch and removed her shoes.

“May I have a cup of coffee please?”

Patty’s eyebrows rose to dangerous heights before she headed for the kitchen.

“Make yourself at home. I’m glad I haven’t got your nerve in my tooth. Still black without sugar?”

“Same as always.”

Patty hummed and returned a few minutes later handing her visitor her drink, Ellen smiled her gratitude as she took it and set it down to cool.

“You’ve been drinking.” Patty accused flatly.

“I’m over age. Sophie’s with my mom for the weekend. I had a date.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Well he ran for the hills after listening to me talk about you for the best part of an hour. So, it’s been a while. How are you and why are you ignoring my calls?”

“To answer both your questions..I’m sixty six, in poor health with a dependant child and not really in the mood for entertaining.”

Ellen merely laughed lightly in response. Patty’s countenance darkened ominously.

“This isn’t a joke Ellen, go home.”

“No, it’s not a joke. It’s not funny at all. It’s like turning the clock back five years. I’m barely eating, I’m not sleeping well. I can’t concentrate at work and I’m distracted at home which is why I’ve packed Sophie off for a weekend with my mother. All I can think about is you and you won’t even talk to me.”

Ellen took a mouthful of coffee, grimaced and set it back down.

“I can’t..” Patty softened her tone and lowered her voice. “....We can’t get back on that merry-go-round.”

“You’re the one who set it off spinning again.”

Ellen snapped back suddenly tired and irritated by the whole situation. Patty’s eyebrows got a little more exercise.

“Well I’m sorry my major heart attack interfered with your nice little life.”

“Stop it. Stop being so....” Ellen struggled for an appropriate word and failed to really find one. “Accepting of everything. Your life isn’t over. You reached out for me at your lowest point, I dropped everything and was there for you. Doesn’t that mean something?”

Patty sighed in resignation and sat down heavily on the opposite corner of the couch.

“We’ve already had this conversation.”

“No, we had a bullshit conversation about you wanting me to take over the firm. That was the last thing on my mind when I was driving to the hospital. I went there for you, despite everything we’ve gone through, I wanted to be there for you.”

“And you were and I appreciate it. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I have nothing to offer you Ellen. I’m old, I’m sick and I want the best for you....That would be to leave you alone and for you to leave me alone. I’ve stirred everything up and I’m sorry but it will pass. You’ve done very nicely without me for the past few years. Now for the last time, go. Go and enjoy your daughter and live a good life.”

“I could live a good life with you.”

The words came out whispered and unbidden. Perhaps alcohol had loosened her tongue but Ellen suddenly felt a need to stop skirting around the issue and put her cards on the table. To say what she wanted, what she had thought about incessantly since the last time she was here. 

“Really?” Patty sat back into the cushions, folded her arms and treated Ellen to the sideways smirk she was so familiar with. She was buying time as she organised her thoughts and considered her response. 

“Why would you want that? Why would you want that for your child? To get yourself involved with a much older woman with a...let’s say, uncertain future. Our history alone is reason enough not to even contemplate pursuing this, but let’s say we do. Let’s say we try. I meet your daughter, you spend time with Catherine. The kids get along great, a little way down the road we become a family. We provide the children with a safe and secure home. They get used to it, they’re happy and then one morning you wake up to get the kids ready for school and I don’t....”

Patty sat forward as she began talking and by the end she had pinned Ellen to the spot with her eyes that glittered with tears.

“You’re fond of the truth, there it is.” 

Ellen blinked and shifted on her seat until she was mirroring Patty’s position.

“You’ve spent as much time thinking about it as I have.”

Patty exhaled in a long stream.

“Yes, I’ve indulged myself in that fantasy but that’s all it is. I won’t put any of us through that scenario. You’re so young still, you deserve so much more than I could ever give you.”

“Don’t give me that self sacrificing shit. It could be years Patty. All of that could be true for years. Think about it, we were good together once.”

Ellen reached out and grasped Patty’s hand.

“I’ve told you what I want, what I think we could have. I’m not going to beg. You’ve been beating the odds your whole life, take one last chance, it could be best thing you ever did. I’ll leave you in peace now, don’t stay up too late.”

Ellen squeezed Patty’s hand, took a last mouthful of awful coffee and got to her feet. The blond looked shell shocked from her seat on the couch. 

“And what about our past?”

Ellen hesitated in the doorway and stepped back into the room.

“Kate said something to me at the hospital which I realised was true. Part of me always knew, I just didn’t want to believe it. That knowledge didn’t stop me during the Tobin case and it won’t stop me now. Forgive yourself Patty, I closed the door on it a long time ago. I’ve loved you for years, no one has ever come close.”

The younger woman moved forward and gently embraced Patty before kissing her cheek and stepping away.

“Goodnight. Think things over, I can’t do anymore so I’ll wait for you to get in touch. I hope you call soon. Take care.”

Ellen swallowed hard and walked away closing the door gently behind her.

**Author's Note:**

> No, I won’t leave it there..


End file.
